Today the mind dwells on change. The mechanics of change is admittedly fascinating, no matter how hard we try to resist it. It is much like salt dissolving in water. The water makes the vainest of attempts to allow the grains to sink to the bottom intact. But they diminish, melt and vanish without a trace. Appearances may defy the truth. But the water stands changed for good, its pristine form so starkly violated. Change really is the only true permanence. For when the change is complete and you look back, the past seems so unlikely and almost wrong.
Solitude was something I thought I understood, although I vacillated between love and hate for it. Now I face a new solitude I never sought. It is the kind I cannot mourn with cryptic elegies or immortalize with heartbreaking verse. Books cannot banish it, the sea cannot snatch it, there is no distraction from it. It is still solitude, albeit a changed one.
"Detachment is a virtue," I always philosophized. The day has come when it seems like a necessity and I find I'm one virtue short. Maybe I lost it in a euphoric journey, maybe it is hiding, maybe it is masquerading. The detachment I feel today is a mere impostor that cannot numb me to the reproach I feel or eclipse the devious deceptions of the world.
I look back and rightly see a past so ludicrous. I wonder if I am beginning to love this solitude criss-crossed with dear memories. I wonder if I ever want to find that cold detachment again.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
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2 comments:
It is the past that makes you who you are.. or most of who you are.. you are summation of your experiences, thoughts and actions and ofcourse choices...
I hope you realise that when you say, 'you rightly see a past so ludicrous' or 'almost wrong'.. it seems that you are despatching with disdain.. the shared experiences and people and actions and choices... A wrong thing to say and do. My humble opinion.
The "today" that is making you see yesterday as ludicrous and almost wrong will soon become "yesterday" and hence part of the past. Will you still say the same thing?
As you can see I dont quite agree with your sweeping adjectives 'ludicrous' and 'almost wrong'. While change is the rule of nature, I don't like salt water.. do you?
lucky: I must say I agree with most of what you say, even at the risk of contradicting myself.
Maybe I should explain myself a little more. What is ludicrous to me here is the extreme affinity I once had for solitude and detachment, an affinity that has changed/gone now. It is not the people or the experiences that are wrong. I can never fairly say that when I look back at a mostly happy life.
But I would caution you against looking at this post as my constant view of change or a sweeping view of the world at large. These are extremely narrow statements about only two aspects of life.
This is just writing spawned by the exuberance of a change for the better. I'm sure I will sing a very different tune when the change is not so good. It is momentary and ephemeral like most highs of life.
And the salt water here is just a metaphor, thankfully . Because much like you, I don't like salt water either :-)
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