Charmed

Yesterday, for a moment, my life soared and flew away. Mundane pains vanished. My feet forgave the cold hard floor, my squinting eyes welcomed the intrusive sun. Hunger pangs gnawed lesser. Even morning birds sang sweeter. My insomnia was rewarded. All in a blur of white and blue.

He gently strode in and brightened my room. There he was, mischievous grin and cocked head, searching my eyes for surprise. His hair was neatly parted and flew lightly in the soft breeze. His smile announced triumph and a trace of fondness I cannot forget. I memorized the shape of his lips as he talked, his rounded o's and pursed pause. I almost touched the questions lurking in his furrowed brow. And I built my castles with his waving hands. He often looked upwards, maybe at an instant bubble of memory from which he sought for me tales of yore. Many a time, the gleam in his eye was a precursor to his forthcoming wit. Most other times, his eyes, they spoke a language of their own, esoteric and disarming.

He took me on a tour. Around a city in five minutes, incomplete but inviting, much like everything else about him. He pointed to a distant sea and I painted a lone ship. I carefully gleaned the city's sounds. I folded and put them away to fill later the silences in my head. I etched the skyline in my mind, also his silhouetted form against the magical light. I saved them all, his home, his lawns, his favorite swing. Now I have pictures I will beckon to make perfect backdrops for future conversations.

Yesterday was better than my first fantasy, my speechless thoughts more lyrical than my best poem, my heart fluttering in frolic. Such a day, I simply want to befriend and cajole to stay.

PS: 100th post! Fortunately it is something I want to remember.

Today's Quest

A vain search
for unearthly strength
to wipe you
off this dear space.

To no avail,
my absurd search
for deeper recesses
to hide you from me.

Welcome tyranny

He ruled over her. And the time and space between them. He ruled with routine, with a hierarchy of priorities she had learned to defer to. There was not much room for negotiation, or even pleas for that matter. His was the hand of logic and an extreme rationality that belied his claims of sentiment and affection. His affection itself was like the summer rain, intermittent and harsh. His will condemned, even stymied, her impulse. His spontaneity was prisoner to his practiced principles, she could not recognize it even in its rare moments of nakedness. His decision often hung like a veil between them, delicate yet perceptibly forceful in its permanence. His joy wrapped her in a new beauty each time; but naturally this cloak was not hers to keep, it heartlessly melted at her accidental touch. His anger silenced her, a muted wait for a kinder word and a softer countenance. His presence was the morning sun blinding her eye. His absence was the brutal chill of the December wind. His rule is here to stay, real and final.

Fits and Starts

Engulfed!
Rankling doubt- gray seas, churning
9pm sun- novelty and charm
Fogged heart- still in wintry solitude

Deceived!
Trusted promise- fading ripple, so sly
Glass cage- cruel big city
Favorite fantasies- just wispy cotton candy

PS: No will to string the words together. So make your own story.

Allow me my fear

What did you do with my callousness? Did you claim it to recycle it?

My conviction in the disutility of emotional attachment, it is broken and battered and sneering at me from my dusty attic.

Unfulfilled ambitions have sprung back to life, newly whetted and whipped. Now they know not their way back home.

My perfected mechanism of loose knots, measured distance and algebraic control suddenly stopped functioning. I have no tools to mend it, no oil will grease it back to motion.

Anger is snoozing in the stands, patience is keeping goal.

My sharp tongue is losing its acridity. Words have lost their sting. Ego has gone into indefinite hibernation.

In many little ways, in arguably good ways, I don't recognize myself. Pray, tell me now, how should I feel anything but fear of this unsettling unknown?

Yours truly

Take my patience,
lose it or hide it irretrievably.
And thus be absolved indefinitely
from my prolific demands.

Is my absence imperceptible enough?
It is my gift to you,
of freedom from my invasiveness,
in gratitude for your indulgence.

Tell me my silence is dulcet.
For I deliberately lost my voice
and laboriously buried my words
to create for you this strange silence.

My insignificance should suffice,
to restore the familiarity
that I selfishly snatched from you
when I crashed into your merry life.

Accept my offerings.
And grant me my hope,
of atonement for my follies,
of a guiltless slumber.

Defences, so futile

This deluge of tears refuses to stop or dry in time. And life today is an inconsistent film of oil stagnant on its surface, the painful patches- a tattered map of a coherent past. I squint at the sun through this curtain of tears. Colors shine and shimmer, but no memories arise of previous rainbows. The refracted world holds but watery promises.

No one knows my tears better than this corner of my house. These walls meet only to gently hold me as I sink to newer nadirs. This far corner, my invisible cradle for impossible sorrows. Literary excess and musical heavens are unreal worlds offering a temporary mirth. Beloved words and strains of melody- rivulets of joy that weave around me a faithful armor for such days of war.

Litany

Every day,
I write to you,
if only to rehearse
those wordless, voiceless
circular thoughts.

Oh! They are still real-
those forbidden thoughts.
For every day
I rehearse them,
sans words, sans voice.

All I can do

You can have my fairy,
glistening wand and all.
I will blow your way
any luck I find today.

You must take my prayer,
take my eellike God.
Drenched in a venal shower,
He will saunter over.

You shall have my smile,
and those I borrow for you.
This wave will wash away,
not a ripple will stay.